What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
