I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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