I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
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Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
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This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.