I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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