Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
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Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
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You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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