you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she pinky promised me she was 18
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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