i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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