I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
