Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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