I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
