Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
