if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
