I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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