ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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