I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
