I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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