I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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