New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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