I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
