the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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