I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
