At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
are you so shy because you have an std?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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