you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
