I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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