I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
