Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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