There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
