He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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