The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
