Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
