I cut my penus on the lid.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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