I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
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today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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