Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i believe in u and ur pee
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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