We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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