apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
