yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
