I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
