Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
