Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
