So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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