I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
