I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
