Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
