Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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