the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
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My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
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Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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