At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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