Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
