so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
