My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
