its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
My ATM looks so different sober.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
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my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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