On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
