if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
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I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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