Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
