dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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