My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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