I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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