you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
