His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
