Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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